F is for f'ing awesome

We had to write something to read to the class, so I did this. I like it.

Won't You Take Me Down

Bert made his way through the familiar streets of Chicago after work. It was late, and he smelled like coffee. The closing Starbucks shift was not nearly as glorious as his last job, but these were rough times and he was just happy to be earning a living. He pulled his long coat tight, hoping no one would recognize him going into his building. It was a far cry from the luxurious apartment he had in his younger days. He wasn’t so much ashamed of his living conditions; he was just tired of telling his sad story. He entered apartment 207A. A is for apathy, he thought to himself with a grimace.


Inside the fox news late night C-squad anchors were awkwardly fumbling their way through the night’s happenings. The economy was down. The war was continuing. Bert sighed and cracked open a Budweiser. The apartment hadn’t been cleaned for weeks. Ramen noodles and cheap take out containers lined the kitchen counter. Bert didn’t ask for much, but if he was going to be the only one trying to provide an income, the least he could come home to was a clean house.

“You here?” Bert asked.

“Yeah I’ll be out in a minute” said Ernie.

Of course he was here Bert thought. Bert muted the news, waiting for the sports segment. Ernie made his way out of the bathroom and plopped down on the couch. They sat together in silence. Bert didn’t like to be disturbed while he was enjoying his Budweiser. When he worked up enough courage he asked Bert how his day was.
“Well, I made a couple thousand drinks. Everyone continues to ask me if I’m that guy that used to be on TV. My 22 year old manager made me clean out all the coffee machines after close, and I come home to a pig sty. I thought you were gonna tidy this place up a bit while I was providing rent?”

“Well gee Bert, I guess I just lost track of time.”

“Ever since Sesame Street was cancelled, we’ve had nothing but time Ernie.”

“Aw gosh, I suppose I can do it tomorrow.”

“It’s always tomorrow with you Ernie. It’d be one thing if you were out looking for a job, but you’re just pissing your life away.” Bert said, his yellow skin turning an angry red.

“If you’re just going to be in a bad mood, I’m going into the other room.” Ernie said, as he left. Bert noticed that he was balding, and noticeably skinnier than he was In the showbiz days. He got up for another beer and as he sat in his familiar place on the couch, he noticed a big yellow feather. Bert had reached his boiling point. He walked into the bedroom.

“Ernie, so you had a busy day? Where were you?”

“Oh just had to take care of a few errands I’d been putting off for weeks.”

“You ran into anyone from the good ole days lately?”

“Just you Bert.”

“Can I see your arms really quick Ernie?”

“Well gosh, why would you want to do that? You’re silly sometimes Bert.”

“I’m not joking, let me see your arms right now.” Bert yelled.

“Do we have to get another domestic call Bert?” Ernie said.

Bert pulled out the feather. Ernie’s ever happy face soon turned ghost white.

“You been hanging out with those junkies again Ernie?”

Ernie let out a sigh. He was caught. “You don’t know how hard it is these days Bert.” He said

Bert put a hole through the wall. “I don’t know how hard it is? I work 8 hours a day 7 days a week damnit! They tell me they can’t afford to pay me overtime, so I have 2 separate clock in numbers jus so I can work 60 hours a week. I don’t know how hard it is?” Bert was furious.

“Well maybe if you hadn’t spent all of our savings on roulette, and dog racing, we’d still be downtown living the life of luxury.” Ernie said.

“You’re blaming me while you’re out with that low-life dopefiend Snuffleupagus, and his dimwitted dealer Big Bird? How are you paying for it Ernie? I hope it’s not with my hard earned money.”

“Oh don’t worry, it’s not with your money. I help them out, they help me out.” Ernie said with an ironic smile.

“If that means what I think it means…”

“It does. Whenever I said I was out visiting my family, I was with Big Bird.” Ernie said.

Bert couldn’t believe his ears. B is for betrayal, he thought. He sat in silence. The words finally erupted from his mouth.

“Get out. Right now. We’re through. I don’t ever want to see you again.”

“But… We’ve been together over 20 years! And it’s not like I love Big Bird! I just didn’t have any money and I needed a fix!” Ernie protested.

“You’ve had your last chances. I want you out. Now.” Bert said calmly.

“You’re making a mistake Bert. You’re making a really big mistake. Is it really over?” Ernie asked.

“Yes. It’s over.” Bert replied.

Ernie was crushed. “Well, gee Bert, I don’t suppose I know where I’ll go.”
“I don’t really care anymore. Call up your junkie friend.” Bert said.

“He never lets me stay the night though Bert.”

“Well, from now on, neither do I.”

“Spare me one last favor. If you won’t let me stay here, can I atleast take one last shower? I haven’t had a chance to clean up today.” Ernie pleaded.

Bert just wanted him out of sight. “I’m going to go get some Mickey D’s. When I get back I don’t want to see you in here.” C is for compassion, one last shower isn’t too much to ask, he thought. And with that Bert left.


When Bert arrived with his dollar menu feast, he heard the water still running. He was furious. He burst through the bathroom doors yelling “I thought I told you, I didn’t want to see you here when I got back!”.

But Ernie didn’t say anything. Bert stormed closer to the bathtub. The tub was filled, a crimson red color made Ernie’s usually light orange skin appear dark. He was bleeding out.

“I always loved you Bert. I couldn’t do it without you.” His words were barely a whisper. Ernie had his eyes closed. “Don’t worry, you’ll never see me again.”

Bert picked up his dying lover. D is for depression, he thought. Ernie was cold. It was too late. Tears streamed down Bert’s cheeks. Ernie’s body went limp. “I love you too pal.” Bert said, to ears that would not listen. “I love you too.”